Paul

The man I love with all my heart smells of Axe body spray and social with drawl. We do not share long drawn out conversations, Paul and I, but I know how deeply he cares. When I walk into the room Paul's crazy eyes light up. "Pizzy! Pizzy! Pizzy?", he will ask me persistently under his breath while his hands make small circles at his sides. That is his way of asking me out for a delicious pizza dinner. I enjoy our special nights out together, but Paul shys away from my touch when I tackle him to the ground and dig the post meal cigarette butts from his mouth in the parking lot after. To hell with the staring eyes. Paul will giggle to himself all the way home.
I knew Paul was different that first night when I walked in on him drinking out of the toilet bowl. "Paul!" I admonished. "STOP IT! That's gross!" I should not judge. He whipped the porcelain toilet tank lid at my head to prove this point.
Strong aromas excite Paul. That is how I kill two birds with one stone. I will wear my my patchouli oil and Paul will lean in but from across the room and close his eyes with a happy smile and breath my sent in.
"Paul, can you say patchouli?", I ask my favorite guy. And he will turn his head away and mutter , "Stink".

Make it Rain

She shifted uncomfortably in the chair parked precariously in the doorway and flipped the toy she was holding. It made a whirling sound like fake plastic rain. ting ting ting ting ting ting ting. It was supposed to be a comforting tool but it only upset her more. ting ting ting ting ting ting ting. She watched the brightly colored little balls as they fell down twisting their way through its clear cylinder casing. She needed to be able to see what was going on the other side. Because it was her turn to worry, her turn. Worry filled her mind more than the simulated rain. Worry showered down through the circuits in her brain. ting ting ting ting ting ting. She wanted to sigh loudly. Fuck she wanted to scream and rock in her chair. But any noise might make more worry and she was having a hard time with the anxiety she had been given. So she just watched. It was day thirteen without the Clonazepam. Two weeks at the nutward. Thirteen days cold and nothing not even an aspirin for the last three hours. ting ting ting ting ting fucking ting.
When Rachel touched her lightly on her back she startled. She had been swinging the toy clumsily like a baseball bat for practice to keep the noise out of her head and in her hands. "You don't need to be in here now, its not helping at this point", she said in her flat voice. "I do", the girl whispered hoarsely, words twisting through her vocal cords on their way out. "I promised I would be right here." "Come", is all Rachel said.
"Do you want to go to the hospital?"
"YES."
" ER Alone? Are you sure? We can find someone to take you."
If there was help it would have been here by now, and she couldn't wait any longer she knew. Bad was coming. She didn't yet trust this Rachel. She stared back at her chair with the toy in it nodding her head and she got her shit together as fast as she could. It was on her at this point, this fuck up she found herself in and she was not about to let go or share with anyone. Especially the scared assed bitches who would talk amongst themselves about protocol behind flapping hands with lowered voices.
She sat in the over air conditioned sterile room waiting for the hand x rays to developed and hoped no bones had been broken. Sometimes hands break before walls when the worry has no way out. Get the warm blankets. Stare at the fluorescent lights. Almost fall asleep f0r the first time in thirty six hours. But the worry crawls under the blankets and wraps its self up in your head and like a cold snake in your belly.
They sent her back with one new order for acetaminophen as needed. One sugar pill. On the way back to her group home the crazy shit began to fly. It started in the back of the state van, cut right across the stress thick air and hit her in the back of her fuddled head. Damn wooden relaxation balls.
The B52 wore off. What was wrong with people thinking a fricken near over the counter medicine cocktail would be enough when an anti psychotic car bomb was what you needed.
Later as she lay on the damp back yard ground facing the shaking young man she begged the officers not to cuff him. His hands hurt him she told them. His speech was slurred from the odd collection of pills she had laid out on the table from behind one of the ripped couch cushions while he was busy kicking the shit out of the rest of the house, but she got him. But not before the bad.
"I didn't do anything bad did I?"
More than anything, Eddy wants to be good.
"No Eddy. Your pulling it together."
"I'm worried. I didn't hurt you did I?"
Images of his attack and the destruction of the last hour wouldn't come back to her till the adrenaline wore off much later. After all the police and paramedics had taken him.
"Eddy, its gonna to be ok starting now. Your ok."
She wanted to hug him hard but her touch would only set him off.
"Are they taking me back to the hospital?"
"A different hospital. They will get your meds right this time."
"Will you be with me when I sleep? Is this a nightmare? You promised to protect me from them. Aaaheeee"
"No Eddy."
"I don't hear the rain."

In Two

As they sat there looking out over the cattails in his beat up green Ford, she was glad for the worn cloth seats. Her black shorts clung to her chunky legs and the t-shirt she spend too long picking out was wet with her sweat. It stuck to the small of her back and her knew she would have the dark semi circles of perspiration under her pits and her boobs. She wanted to look like she didn't care, that she has thrown on any old thing, but truth was she went through her closet, and the laundry hamper, and then her sisters clothes for a good part of the morning. The windows in his truck were rolled all the way down, but there was no breeze coming off the lake to cut the humidity. Thank goodness the trucks seat was cloth so old she could not distinguish the pattern, vinyl would have made it look like she peed herself. She looked down at her legs, thinking she at least had some tan, but remembered she was wearing the cheap sunglasses.
"Click"
The noise came from the drivers seat, she turned the opposite way to look out the window away from him.
"Click"
She knew that noise. She new that noise all too well. When he first made that sound with his tongue against the roof of his mouth, she thought that was the sign he was horny.
They had been sitting on his brothers couch watching two TVs at once. The one on the right had some old movie playing. The screen on the left flickered porn. She was loaded and had to go to the bathroom, but the couch was wide and soft and she didn't think her legs would carry her. So there she sat, trying to focus her eyes on one screen or the other.
"Click"
The sound came from her left then too.
"Do you think that is wrong?" He had meant the bad scene being played in front of them. She thought he was talking about watching two TVs at once. So she dumbly shook her head no, she had never seen a skin flick before and wished she had something to drink to cut the sticky sweet taste in her mouth.
He was sweet and gentle when he helped her get to her feet and then to the bathroom. And unlike the images a few feet away from them, she didn't need to fake her pleasure, when he guided her back to the couch.

In too Deep

When the girl turned around toward him sitting there back at the table, long legs stretched out in from of him, he was looking through the crowd right at her. Looking at her as if she were a piece of meat, and he had not eaten in a very long time. His look was so intense, it took the girl a moment to recognize who was staring at her. The leer on his face changed into a smirk, when the girl, now self conscious in her heels, wobbled comically as she swiveled away. All she had wanted was a place to set down her drink. That is not the face a friend sees of another.
Later, back on his couch they had sat on together a million times, she let him kiss her, gentle. It was the face he showed her then, the wide open one without a mask that scared her most.

He Tried with His Rod

He tried his best. He jammed and poked and prodded, grunting all the time. The cops interupted him just as he got his slim jim in the right spot to open her jeep door.

He Tried Ratty

He tried talking her into longer saying her hair was to messed up now to go out in public. So they both cuddled up pretending to sleep till they could delay no longer.

He Tried Visually

He tried to get her to notice his big blue eyes when ever she was near by opening them very very wide. She always thought he resembled ET.

He Tried Like a Schoolboy

He tried to get her to drive him to school by missing the bus. But never again when she walked him to the school door in her jammies.

He Tried with No Results

He tried to tell her he loved her, but did not know how or confidence. So he told her a woman's place was in the kitchen or the bedroom because heated words were at least something.

He Tried Making Time

He tried to get her to wake up before sunrise to go fishing by changing the real time on the alarm clock to read 7:30 am. She tossed the noise piece off the end of the dark dock.

He Tried with Sparks

He tried to talk her into going to school to become an electrician. Lightning storms scare her less than outlets.

He Tried Audibly

When he tried to get her to work for his karaoke business on the week end, she told him she would feel more comfortable appearing in front of a crowd naked. Because at least she had some experience there.

He Tried Pumpin the Gun

He tried seducing her with his muscle, it worked cuz there is no bigger muscle on the human body than the brain.

He Tried With Steak

So when the young man tried to sell her frozen beef from the back of his van, she pointed to her cows and asked him if he wanted to buy fresh beef from her yard.

So He Tried Control

So he tried to make it in to the house from the back pasture in time, but lost if about halfway. When she found the poopy Telly-Tubby under ware hanging on a bush almost out of sight, she threw them in the fire pit where no one would ever see.

He Tried Indian Style

The beautiful man tried to take her back to the reservation so they could have sex next to his passed out mother who was snoring on the floor, but she pretended she seen a windigo through the curtainless window and scared the passion right out of him.

He Tried Pervert

So when he tried for pull his picture ID out of his wallet to get into the prison for a job interview, the girl seen the pornographic image in the plastic sleeve and told the creep no.

Cherries

All I wanted was to get home. Get home as fast as possible. I set the cruise control for 85 after I put on the rock star over sized sun glasses I had bought for my vacation and headed south back towards the city. When I passed the unmarked car on the left, I could of stepped on my breaks and try to avoid any trouble If I knew where my head was at.
The nice young officer let my fly past him and just keep going. And that's exactly what I did. I owned the fast lane never slowing down for a good 5 more miles to the North Branch exit. When I seen him close behind me I pulled to the far right turning the Jeep off and waited.
Officer Erickson more than likely had all ready radioed in my plates. He tipped his hat after cautiously approaching my car and exchanged pleasantries.
"Where are you going in such a hurry ma'am?'
I looked at him and smiled a tired smile but gave him no answer. I had no answer to give.
"Do you have any idea how fast you were moving?", he tries again.
I can answer that, and I do. Officer Erickson is giving me the optic field drug test as I say, "85".
"And where are you going?"
I do not know. I have been on the road for the past three weeks. Some times I am at two, some times three different prison facilities. And they all want me. They want my answers. The want my attention. They want my shoulders. They want my ears. All at the same time. I want nothing of them.
"You coming from Rush City?" The patrol man has spotted my state ID and his voice takes on a softer tone.
I nod and repeat Rush City like an amnesia recovering parrot.
Rush City is a small down full of old pick up and rednecks. The heavy security prison is built in the middle of a corn field and full of the angriest men alive. They are young and mean, unaccepting that they will spend the rest of their days behind bars and eager to fight. The entire town works at the prison. Drive down main street, past the gun store, and the hardware store, after the bakery turning left at the grain elevator any there you will find one of Dante's seven levels of hell.
"Aren't you in the middle of a lock down there?"
"South C found a 13 inch shank make out of a dust mop head", I answer knowing the entire town listens to the police scanners, not just the police officers.
"Hell, I'd be getting my ass out of there in a hurry too", the officer grunts.
It is common ground and I see my hope. I could tell him I was on my way to pick up supplies from Oak Park, or Stillwater, Lino for that matter, if I wanted to put any effort into a lie. But I am burned out and sick of lies. When he stopped me I had no idea where I was or where I was headed. The sun was either rising or setting and I was either coming or going.
"You know officer Kranz?"
"I couldn't tell ya. I just started there so he could be fabulous or an asshole."
The officer laughs.
I wanted to tell him I was in Jamaica when he pulled me over. My mind was on the man I left back on the island and I was unaccounted for. Throw me in a nice quite country jail some where and give me a chance to think.
"Slow down now and stay safe."
To late.

The Man I Love With All My Heart Trevor

I have fallen head over heels in love with an extreme fighter named Trevor. Trevor smells of testosterone and gym mats.
His beautiful face but not his ginormous shoulders are hidden behind the menu as he reads ever so slowly.
"Swiss steak with choice of potato and vegetable. What kind of animal do you think they make Swiss steak out of?"
"Beef."
I want to explain how they make it, but know his attention span would be strained if I went into the carb detail involved with this dish.
I tell him to order the New York strip to be as safe as someone in his profession can be.
He loves me for more than my nutrition knowledge I tell myself.
"Do you want my potatoes?", Trevor inquires ever so thoughtfully. "Do I have to get the potatoes if it says so on the menu?"
I tell him no, he can do what ever he wants. But I leave off the "to me " part.
Trevor talks of his fighting techniques as we wait for our protein laden food. He uses strange Oriental terminology in his husky voice and it is my turn to look blank and nod vaguely. I squeal when he puts his invisible opponent in a head hold acting out a particularly good match..
"So how bout it, he finally asks once we have leaned back like full snakes, you wanna come watch me fight? My uncle and I have a competition next Thursday, wanna go?"
I ask my iron man how old is his uncle.
"24."
I cry and cry because I did not order dessert and show this baby what real risk is.

The Man I Love With All My Heart Tim

I have fallen head over heels in love with my awkward young assistant Tim. Tim smells of slight perspiration and Mt. Dew. Tim wants to hate me because I got the director's job instead of him, but he is too divine to feel that strong.
Tim is unsure where to walk when we are together. I make it hard for him to pace his giraffe strides to mine and I expect him to let me walk ahead of him into every room. Except I am so new I do not know where I am going and hate to have Tim tell me anything, he is my bitch after all. That and I think he prays under his sweet breath.
He is so nervous he might actually touch me he will dart willy nilly in my way and we both stop short and look at each other. I should just say, "Ok kiss me now I know you want too", just to get it over with but there is probably some sort of harassment policy somewhere that I would have to use on him in the future just to keep my job.
If I look directly at him he cannot talk to me. So I stay in my office and yell for his comfort.
"Tim! My little gerbil. Stop sucking on your pop water bottle, and tell me where the incident reports are. I feel the need to fire someones ass!"
I will hear the sound of his chair squeak as he uncoils his long body and clump to the file cabinet at my command.
I will get him to swear by next week. Then swear his undieing love for me by payday.